Can someone please get me a Xanax? I just took my kids to a parade!

What great weather we are having this week! I thought to myself.  I think that I will take the kids to the St Pats parade in Des Moines!  Its so nice out, and I know they would have to much fun!  Then after we get done with that we can move right into adult time! I should have known based on the last time I took the kids to a parade that it just gets ugly really fast!  Next time I even THINK about taking the girls to a parade I have requested that Dan punch me directly in my neck!  The fun that the kids have it not even worth half of the anxiety I feel!  I dont know if I you have ever noticed but parades never look nearly as glamorus as they do on T.V.   They alway look so awesome and fun, then you come to Iowa.  Our parades are full of bad clothing choices, people blowing smoke in your kids faces, and garbage everywhere! 

On T.V.

REALITY!

First of all you have to get there about three hours early just to get a good spot, and in the end it doesn't really even matter because all of the slackers do not give two shits that you just sat there for three hours listening to your kids whine and complain that they have to go potty and are bored.They don't care that  you just sat there for three hours yelling at your children to stop running around, because they are so bored to tears they just run around in circles.  They just show up late, straight from the trailer and crowd your area.  At first all of this seems very innocent, but it quickly turns into a war zone! 

Finally the parade begins... you think that you will be able to sit in your chair and let your kids do the work for the candy but you are sadly mistaken if you think that can happen.  I will never forget the first time we took Addison to a parade it was a total nightmare!  She is so laid back and would bend down to pick up a piece of candy and before she could even blink some kid snatced it right out from under her.  At one point all of these kids were getting candy and I look down and see Addison chasing a wrapper!  Poor thing was scrambling for an empty candy wrapper.  It was from that moment on I knew I had to step in and teach my kids how to get the candy they have rightfully worked for.  So I send the girls up to the front and they are constantly being pushed back my 14 year old screaming for beads.  Which leads me to my first point...  when your children are above the age of 10 or 11 they are done with parades.  If they are in their own area without little ones around fine, but when they are standing next to little kids trying to get one stinking piece of candy they need to SIT down or find another place.  They should not be stepping in front of the kids or taking candy from them.  I seriously have to stand out there in the front row with my children and basically barricade an area for them so it is safe for them to pick up one stupid piece of bubblegum.  I look like and idiot!  I do not enjoy doing this, but I have two little girls who are very sensitive and will immediately start crying when someone swipes something from them.  Or look at me in tears when they can not see what is going on and missed a chance for a free find god pamphlet.  On the same note if you do have a little one, they need to know what their "area" is for getting candy.  I have seen kids running up and down the block swiping candy and running it back to their parents and then heading out for me.  Just please make your kids aware of the babies.  Please do not let your kids get greedy and have a million pieces.  I have made my kids give a piece of candy to another child if it was not in their area, and at first it was miserable for them.  But at this parade they did something that made me just about fall over in my chair, and handed the candy to the child that was there first without being told.  Avery was so proud of herself for doing so she looked and me with an ear to ear grin!  That was a much better reward then having a million pieces of candy! 

As long as we are on the topic of candy... is it really that hard to pick up your freaking trash??  I mean really.  Just allowing your kids to throw all of this trash on the ground is just plain ridiculous!!  The streets are always FILLED with trash after a parade, and its crazy!  So many people lack common curtiosy to throw something away when they are  done.  Makes my blood boil just thinking about it. I am trying to teach my kids how to be good citizens.  And when they walk the streets seeing nothing but trash it doesn't really set a good example.

And once again I will say this... GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE!  I swear I see numerous people walking along the parade almost IN it talking on the phone.  I did not come here to watch you talk on your phone.  You look like an asshole.  I can imagine the conversation going something like this..  "hey I cant hear you, what do you have a parade going through there?"  "why yes I do"  Seriously, if you want to talk on your phone go find a spot.  I hate you for doing this and I haven't even met you! 

I am really glad there are not to many parades to attend.  I don't think that I could handle more than one or two a summer.  And yes folks, these are the the times that Dan is just plain lucky to have me!!  I mean without me he would just be able to sit in his chair and enjoy a parade.  Sometimes when I am up there defending my children I look back and he is no where to be found.  I always seem to lose him somewhere between my complaining about everyone and everything around me, and my defensive linebacker stance to hold the other kids off!  I have no idea why!  I don't think he will ever appreciate how smart I really am!